I have opened a word document no less than 3 times in the past week. Staring at the blinking cursor, ideas flitted around me like ghosts. Eventually, I would corner one, only to sigh aloud, click the ‘x’ at the top right, and click ‘don’t save’. The idea was too fluid and transparent to see clearly, I could barely make out the edges.
I recently redecorated my blogsite (in case you didn’t notice) and changed the subtitle from the boringly brainy “genetic markers of high cholesterol” to the bluntly stated and wonderfully vague, “A blog about a book written by a mother about a problem”.
I have a hate/hate relationship with my book. And it shows. The snark, the cuss words, the belligerence. It is apparent from the onset that I was just a little bit irked by the situation.
The first hate comes from the writing aspect. I wish I could say that I ‘love’ to write. But it isn’t like that for me. I can say that it is therapeutic to write. That I enjoy it, especially when I write fiction. But ‘love’ is a strong word. It’s more that I HAVE TO. As one of my favorites, Peter David, said so aptly, we write “to make the voices stop.” The love part? That comes when I share a story with friends and we have a good laugh. Or, and yes, I wrote a song, I hear my husband sing it, and later hear him say that everyone loves it when he plays it at the bar or club. That is love. Writing? That’s just what I do.
The second hate in my hate/hate equation with Canary in the Coalmine refers to the situation as a whole. It completely, utterly SUCKS. My daughters and husband have a condition that is exacerbated by the diet and culture around us, and completely ignored and glossed over by the powers-that-be… I have a long list of discussions and debates in my head with acquaintances, friends, and co-workers who obviously are suffering because of the poor diet that our culture believes is ‘okay’ and ‘normal’. I actually considered for a full 24 hours (and searched for land and a house) moving off in the country and beginning a subsistent farm – basically creating my own Amish-like community. Because honestly… THESE PEOPLE, I love them, BUT THEY ARE CRAZY.
We have reached a large chasm in our journey through the proverbial coalmine. It is the one that says, “What will I do with the book?” and “What will I do about the doctors?”
The book is like a chain shackled to my wrists and ankles. I want to be free of it. And I am working up plans to get it out once and for all, into the conversation. Because I think as crass and confrontational as it is at times, I think it needs to be said, and heard.
We are driving 2 hours each way to have the doctor tell us, “Well, yes, the diet is still working, but it won’t last.” (See the Non Sequitur chapter for a full explanation.)
I have found a local doctor that focuses on diet and holistic health for my husband and older daughter. I am basically saying to them, “I got you this far… but you have to go the rest of the way… because I am freaking TIRED.” My younger daughter, I still own that problem for a few more years.
Wish me luck.