*DiSCLAiMer* Okay… so this is not ALL true… but was inspired by real life – a LOT of creative license was abused. lol. (I think Wednesdays are going to be ‘sort of fiction’ days… judging by the last few posts. lol) Trust me though… it’s more of the truth, than the truth. As I stated in an earlier blog (wherever that was): ‘when you write for the sake of creativity, the truth has a short half life…’
I think I was a Catholic in a previous life.
Why? You ask… Well, mostly it’s because I have a tendency to feel guilt for the most inane things.
There could be an earthquake in Nicaragua, and I have the sinking sensation that I shouldn’t have ordered that mocha cappuccino double-shot.
Beyond that, it is my need for confession.
All good Catholics know that confession cleanses the soul.
But I was raised Primitive Baptist and United Methodist.
What the hell?
In an attempt to account for that part of my psyche that, really, has no stake in current affairs, here’s my confession:
Father forgive me, for I have sinned.
I have never made an official confession, except to my friend from Manchester, Liz. Her Tracey Ullman-like voice still echoes in my mind across the work counter where I confessed to her my sins so many years ago. “Oh honey, you are a better woman than me…” was her only memorable response…
…What were we saying? Oh yes.
I have sinned.
I have taken the Lord’s name in vain… well, more times than I can count.
I routinely saved the overflow of salt and ketchup packets when I went to fast food restaurants and took them home to use in lunches. But, is that stealing? Oh…. Okay. If you say so…
A hell of a lot.
In front of my kids.
But in my defense, it is not at them… oh, sorry father…. Did I just cuss?
God forgive me.
Oh, sorry, not yet?
No, I’m not done.
Well, no, I disagree Father. I have followed His commandments.
I have put no other god before Him. Not even Jesus. Of course, ‘Him’ in the neuter term, and not the masculine, patriarchal, man-rules-the-world crap…
Oh, sorry… dang it.
“Graven Images?” Oh, heck no! Well, does a 16 inch action figure of The Tick with randomized recorded sayings count?
Crap. That counts? Hmm…
Oh! The Lord’s Day! I got that one! Love it… so glad that it’s still a thing. *phew* Sleep in until 10 am every Sunday. Church? *ahem* Do you have a non-evangelical, non-bible thumping one in the vicinity? Ah Hah! SLAM! *ahem* Sorry father… Yes. That would count as gloating. Apologies.
My parents? Well father, that’s a story… but yes, I honor them. They are my blood after all. I won’t speak ill of them. Not even to you. *whisper* Please say that counts!
The killing thing… Got that one. Won’t even kill an ant unless it is in self-defense.
Lying? Never been good at that. So, by nature alone, I’m clear. Well, at least I… don’t… think… that I lie… well, mostly… unless it’s to say, “No! Of course those don’t make you look fat!”
Oh, that’s bad too? Hmm… How many Hail Mary’s? Okay, I’ll take the hit.
Fornication? Is that even in the original list? Well, I’ve been with the same guy 20 years and married for the last 17. Does that count?
I don’t covet my neighbor’s wife… although, that new patio deck that they have… well, it is pretty sweet… oh, that’s what it meant? Never mind. Answer is unequivocally, NO.
Oh wait, the patio deck counts? You don’t make this easy Father. The scripture needs to be more specific. Oh it is? What chapters? Well, that isn’t very effective, is it? Should have been all in one chapter, if you ask me… Oh, you didn’t ask. Sorry.
In the end, I think for 21 years of infractions I got 10 Hail Mary’s and 2 Our Fathers.
Pretty good. Right?
Copyright© 2016, T. Riggs
*Note. The drawing of The Tick was done by my 11 year old. Over the summer, we made a comic book “Conan vs. The Tick” for her dad for Father’s Day. She did the dialogue and all The Tick scenes. I drew the Conan the Barbarian scenes and put it all together for printing. I really hope that the creators don’t mind.