Lack of Motivation? Or Lack of Work Ethic? You Decide.

I am by nature a very organized and efficient person. My need for organization is not an expression of vanity, or an exhibiting symptom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It is simply a way to not waste time.

Time is a precious commodity to me… it’s what allows me to stop and appreciate a pretty skyline, or smile at the antics of a 3 year old in the grocery store… On the former, I would miss an opportunity for pause and silent appreciation of perfection. For the latter? I would rather not be tempted to be annoyed by a situation, but appreciate the simple beauty derived from imperfection.[1]

My philosophy on life has always been… if you aren’t taking care of yourself, or your home, even if you have to pay someone to do the job… then you aren’t living… you are just surviving.

Wasting time looking for my keys, or paperwork, or finding the bills to pay (and risking forgetting, or losing one…); well those are all examples of perfectly avoidable craziness.

Besides, keeping your house in order is just what responsible adults do… and it’s not optional. If anything, especially for bathrooms, it is merely a kindness to guests.

No whining or complaining allowed. You just do it.


Confession.

I am no longer a responsible adult.

My steam is gone.

My impetus to fix, to organize, to prioritize, is nonexistent.

I have been fizzling on energy and efficiency. As a result, I have found my time (and thus patience) to be waning, despite the vast amounts I should have available.

I am now living by the Chaos Rule… if it is severe enough to affect life, limb, or cause public shame… I will do it.

If it isn’t there yet… well, it’s put on the bottom of the list…

Okay, there isn’t a list…

But, if there were a list… anything not a major ordeal would be continuously scratched out and put at the bottom again.

Most days, if I do have a free moment, I would rather take a nap, play a game on my phone, or watch the new DVR recording of Supernatural than to clean out my car or scrub down the bathrooms.

Even my blog schedule and schoolwork is suffering.

Reading those textbooks for class? Pah! Who needs ‘em?

Oh! It’s due tomorrow? Crap! Looks like another late-night-er…

I feel terribly guilty.

And have been pondering not only the root of the problem, but what to do to fix it.[2]


I was reading a blog the other day posted by The Shameful Sheep and thought, maybe I’m depressed?

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Depressed? Eh… not really. Depression implies sadness… I’m not sad, I’m just a realist.There’s a difference. [3]

What is it then? Why do I lack the will power to keep my home and life in order?

Is it graduate school?

Well, I am maintaining a decent GPA (not that it matters)… so I must be doing something right.


Today, I had a brilliant thought, “I’ll make a list, and a schedule! Then I will have to stick with it!”

A strange series of sounds echoed from a distant part of my brain.

Okay, it was from the entire remaining parts, all the neurons not involved in the current thought exercise.

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Bursts and guffaws of laughter.

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While the sound quieted down to a soft giggling with a few intermittent snickers, one of the voices stepped up to say:

Really chick?

Do you think a list, a schedule, an abstract ideal of reality will somehow motivate you?

REALITY CHECK.

If YOU, Ms. Logic, KNOW that YOU created said schedule and list…

It will work out just like that stupid ‘setting-the-clock-10-minutes-fast’ trick…

It might work the first day, but the next? You KNOW the clock is 10 minutes fast, and will just hit the snooze button a few more times.


Okay.

The voices are right.

I won’t stick with it… well, not without alternative means, like a few double-shot espressos; or perhaps some energy drinks. Blood sugar control? Who cares?

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What the heck…

Am I just too old to be doing all of this? Have I over-filled my proverbial plate? Can my psyche not comprehend or process all the tasks of graduate school, home maintenance, teenager parenting, and all the other aspects of having to maintain a healthy diet and food regimen for my family?

I’m not answering that question…

I will leave you to decide.

Or to just share similar angst and confusion.


[1] I’m sounding Buddhist again, aren’t I? I do that sometimes… Apologies. I promise, I am still Christian. A non-practicing Christian, but a Christian by culture and by choice all the same…

[2] I tried hiring a cleaning (maid) service. You will have to wait for that particular blog… because, well, there’s a half-life on some events… and I have to wait for the radiation to settle before it is safe to speak of it.

[3] As a Realist, I don’t expect sunshine and roses every day. If it’s bad, I say so… if it’s good, I thank God for it and savor it. Still, I am great at finding blessings in the worst of situations, even if I say “this sucks”… So any perceptions of morose perceived in me are completely dependent, and directly correlational to the beholder’s placement on the delusional (or medicated) end of the spectrum.